Journey

I guess in all good exciting movies when a journey is involved there is a time of trial and trouble and wandering in the wilderness. I have described my weight loss and commitment to physical fitness as a journey from the beginning and it continues to be one. But as Moses and the people of Israel wandered in the wilderness, as Dorthy and the crew had a few dark moments on the way to Oz, and my personal favorite, Luke,Leia, and Han, whet through some pretty bad days,(Empire Strikes Back) on their way to providing freedom for the whole Galaxy from the Dark Side. I need to get back on the yellow brick road to health. As I have taken an account of all the stuff I have eaten over the last week which I am too lazy to type all of here I will give you a quick synopsis.

I eat well for breakfast cereal, oatmeal, health bar something like that.

I do pretty well for lunch Tropical Smoothie wrap of 500 calories or something in that calorie range.

I go home I eat all the chocolate I can find till I am sick and then have a party or think I am having a party and eat anything I want for dinner and then have some more candy or cake or whatever we have around the house to help us celebrate Robyn's Birthday or one of the 10 Christmas parties we are having or going to.

Then I go to bed feeling bloated sick and miserable and tell myself I will not do that again. Then I wake-up and do the same basic thing.

This lifestyle has led me to gain back about 30 pounds of what I lost and now my pants are tight and I the shirts that fit fine last week are a little snug this week.

Christmas and New Year and Bowl Games are coming, all really really good reasons to eat, and my thought process has been that I was not able to really "enjoy" this time last year because I was not eating so this year I am going to make up for it, and so the death cycle continues.

I was laying in bed last night and thought of my good friends Debbie and Jason, who are eating the way I was last year at this time. I have gone to a couple of parties with both of them and they seem to be having as much fun as me and they are not eating like it is their last meal. Perhaps I have a misconception that food and fun are related, that even though I have lost over 150 pounds, I still never got it through my thick stupid skull. So what to do what to do,how do I get back on the right track.

I have a couple of friends in my life that are currently recovering from addictions. They realize they are not at a point that they can do some of the things that "normal" people do without falling back into a lifestyle that will kill them, and they have decided it is worth the price. One even told me yesterday of a person who he was in rehab with that when the guy was allowed to leave he did not want to because he new he could not handle the outside world yet alone. I don't think I am ready for the freedom of anything I want to eat and trusting myself not to go way overboard.

So here is what I have decided to do. I am letting Debbie know, probably right now by typing this as she is one of my thousands of readers, er uh one of at least 5 or 6 maybe, and I will tell Jason also. I am going back into the program that allowed me to lose this weight. It makes keeping up with what I eat pretty simple, it is either a shake or a prepackaged meal or it is a fruit or vegetable. We call it staying in the box.

My biggest problem is that I believed what everyone who was trying to be nice was telling me... you look so good.. you have accomplished so much, you deserve to enjoy yourself...you can work on it after the first of the year... In reality I have accomplished nothing, I have walked down a road toward a life of health and physical fitness, and I have gotten pretty far, father than some, and not as far as others, but I might as well never started walking down that road, if I am content to wander in the wilderness instead of walking with purpose and a clear understanding of exactly why I am on a journey.